Don't Take Candy from Strangers
by Meneldor
Summary: A Hobbit crackfic in which Tauriel, Peter Jackson's Mary Sue, finally meets her doom. Warning: VERY, VERY weird. Rated T for violence. Set just before Thorin's Company enters Mirkwood.


**Hello, readers. I would like to announce that this is an extremely cracked crackfic written by myself and my brilliant older sister, Thalion Estel. This is for all you people who love randomness and hate Tauriel with a passion and recognize that she is a corny, cliché Mary Sue. So, prepare for the weirdest fanfiction ever written for **_**The Hobbit**_**.**

Don't Take Candy from Strangers

Legolas sat in the branches of a great tree, surveying his scouts as they milled around below. The rumor of more spiders had caused Thranduil concern, and now parties were sent out to hunt the dreaded creatures quite often. The Prince did not enjoy these missions, but he was obedient to his father's will. Perhaps it would be more tolerable if only he didn't have to put up with...

"HI, LEGOLAS!"

Tauriel.

Tauriel approached, swinging her bow around in her hand and skipping. Legolas pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. She didn't seem to notice his annoyance and sat herself down next to him, pitifully attempting to fit her bow over her shoulder and only messing up her braided hair in the process. Tauriel's green dress had several rips and smears from her difficult climb up the tree.

"Uh, hello, Tauriel," Legolas said, attempting to be polite. "How do you fare on this fine day?"

"Super-duper, Leggie!" she replied, shoving her hair behind her ear.

Legolas waited for a moment, assuming that the she-elf was going to say something else, but she didn't. The awkward silence lingered for what seemed like ages as Tauriel gazed adoringly into Legolas' eyes. The Prince was, frankly, disturbed by the nuisance sitting beside him, and when he could bear her creepy eyes no longer, he looked away and tried to get her to do something other than stare.

"Was there something you wanted to tell me, Tauriel?" he asked in a strained voice.

She apparently had been waiting for this a long time and sat up straighter, her smile stretching all the way across her face.

"Okay, so-" she interrupted herself laughing and slapped her knee. "We are SO in love!" She laughed again and make a squealing noise as she inhaled.

Legolas' eyes widened, but he tried to maintain some of his composure. Suppressing the urge to hurl, he scooted slightly to his right and tried to chuckle a little. It failed, but Tauriel wasn't bright enough to notice. She continued her snorting laughter until Legolas realized that the she-elf was serious about her statement, and she did not realize that he was so very NOT in love.

"Um, Tauriel," Legolas began nervously, "I don't think we have an understanding in this matter. Love is something that is, well, special, and while some people do have it, we don't. You're a, ah, wonderful scout, but I don't love you."

Legolas braced himself for Tauriel's response, hoping that he would survive it.

Tauriel only burst into more laughter that sounded all the world like a dying donkey. She shoved Legolas playfully on the shoulder and doubled over for lack of oxygen. Legolas watched hopelessly, wondering what in Arda he should do. However Tauriel soon regained her breath, only to say,

"You... are SO... FUNNY."

Scouts below looked up at the strange seen taking place in the branches.

Legolas backed away even more, standing to his feet and glancing sheepishly at his scouts. How was he supposed to command respect if he allowed an outburst such as this? Of course he didn't want to hurt Tauriel's feelings by quickly dismissing her, but he kind of did...

While he was contemplating his options, which was extremely difficult with the racket coming from the elf on his left, he noticed something strange descending from the tree's leaves above. There was a long rope with a small object tied on the end being lowered toward the branch he was standing on. Soon it was eye level, but directly in front of Tauriel's face. Legolas now saw that it was a little round ball with a note attached, reading "Eat me, Tauriel".

The small object swayed back and forth and inch from her nose, and Tauriel was staring at it with round, crossed eyes. Her jaw fell open and she gasped for as long as her lungs would allow.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?" she said with the breath she had taken. Legolas did not reply.

"THIS... IS CANDY." Tauriel said on the edge of hysteria. Legolas only lifted his eyebrows in confusion.

"AND IT'S FOR MEEEEEEE."

It was not until the object had been shoved past Tauriel's large lips that Legolas noticed the blinking red light. He had never seen anything like it before, but something told him it wasn't candy. In fact, his acute instincts were telling him to move. Everything in his body screamed for him to jump off the branch, and so he did so.

"Hey, where ya going, Leggie?" Tauriel asked. Then, her expression went from stupidly giddy to full of confusion and fear. She quickly looked down at her stomach, hearing it groan suddenly.

Then everything happened so fast that Legolas could hardly process it. Tauriel's right foot began to swell extremely rapidly. She cried out as her boot snapped open, and although she wanted to make it stop, as was evident from her ear piercing screams, she could do nothing. Her big toe was growing several inches every tenth of a second, changing from the size of a small pumpkin to that of a large pony within a blink of an eye. When her toe was completely obscuring Legolas' view of the rest of her body, she exploded into a ball of flame.

Legolas covered his head and rolled behind the other side of the trunk as the other scouts jumped for cover. Soon it was raining small, flaming shreds of green dress and hair, and the Mirkwood butterflies that had been disturbed by the shockwave filled the air. When the last echo of the explosion died out, Legolas jumped to his feet and brushed frantically at a small flame that had started on his sleeve. The heads of the other scouts peeped out from behind logs and boulders, all of them watching the deep black mushroom cloud drift away.

There was absolute silence for almost a minute. The branch of the tree was completely gone, and it was plainly obvious that Tauriel did not survive. The scouts cast dumbfounded looks at their leader, but Legolas was just as at a loss as they were. Finally, the silence was shattered as a huge cheer went up from all the scouts. Tauriel was gone!

Legolas found himself grinning with the rest, unable to hide his happiness. He had no idea what had happened or who had given Tauriel the "candy", but it didn't really matter, did it?

"Take that, Peter Jackson," the prince mumbled under his breath.

And so, the scouting company returned to their halls bearing the good news to Thranduil, who declared that they should hold a grand feast in the clearing where the scene went down

Thus the lost dwarves and hobbit stumbled upon them, and Kili was saved future torment.

The End.

**So, we kind of just wrote that because that's what we wish happened, but unfortunately it did not. You are not necessarily required to leave a review unless you really feel like it. 'Hope y'all liked it!**


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